Lil’ Loca …aka Stevie
On the Fourth of July, a four-day weekend when I expected crowds coming to the beach area, I woke up on the warm Sunday morning and logged onto my computer – I had planned on a lazy day. I flipped through my usual websites until I saw a short post that I had to read over and over again, hoping for an Internet hoax. I kept looking for the punchline, but I couldn’t find it. The post was true. Stevie Ryan had died.
The news read, “YouTube Celebrity” but I knew Stevie for a short time, too short. She was more than justan Internet and TV personality from the small town of Victorville, she was my friend.
“I’m such a loner my local 7-Eleven hobo just asked, “Another night alone?””
It had been years since I last saw Stevie in person. Stevie was going to be hosting an event in Los Angeles and it had been a short time since Angel Aviles and I had made our short film with Stevie. I thought I would take a chance and go to the event to say hello.
The club was average sized, filled with dancers dressed in rockabilly and twenties era clothing, it fit Stevie’s personality. I found Stevie standing next to the dance floor and I went up to her and she was radiant. She gave me a hug and asked how I was doing. We talked for a few minutes, she said she was nervous because she had never spoke and hosted a live event before, I suggested she be herself and to have fun. I knew her fans loved her. I watched Stevie as she went up on stage and charm the room. I wasn’t able to get close to Stevie after she finished as her fans grouped around her and swept her away. I knew her fans loved her because I was one of her biggest.
As I slumped into my chair staring at the news on my computer, I couldn’t stop thinking about that night I last saw Stevie. I expected I would see her again someday, or maybe I would continue to watch her success from afar, but something was telling me I wouldn’t because she is gone, and I can’t accept it. Stevie is too special to be gone.
I wish I could write all the reasons and small gestures that made Stevie such a special person. I can only offer these few paragraphs and touch on how Stevie changed my life. It started when Angel said she watched a Little Loca video on YouTube and wanted to investigate. Angel and I had just launched our website BF Café and we were looking for people to interview. Angel had suspected Stevie was a white girl imitating a chola and so Angel reached out to Stevie.
A postcard Stevie wrote in 2007
Once we received our interview answers from Stevie, we posted the interview and determined there had to be more to her story. We asked Stevie to a lunch meeting at the Roadhouse in Venice. At first, I was disappointed by Stevie. I was expecting a sassy, smart mouthed girl that I had seen in her videos. Instead, Stevie was polite, soft spoken and very humble. However, I did see her intelligence and awareness, it was apparent she had an artistic sensibility.
The moment I recall the most was when Stevie remarked to Angel that people were telling her the Little Loca character was similar to the cholas in the movie “Mi Vida Loca”. Stevie said she had watched the movie the night before and asked Angel if she had seen it. To save Angel the embarrassment, I told Stevie she was and had been sitting across the table from Sad Girl, that Angel was in fact the actress that played the part in the movie. Stevie gasped. Her mouth dropped open and her eyes grew wide, from that moment on, I just watched the magic of frenetic energy pass between Stevie and Angel. They became kindred sisters.
Eventually, Angel and I had determined we wanted to support Stevie with a short film. Stevie gracefully accepted our offer. It was during the shoot that I got know Stevie on a more personal level. On the days, when it was only Stevie and myself, we were able to talk and I saw glimpses of Stevie’s vulnerability. She expressed that the attacks and comments on YouTube concerned her. She was fully aware how people without an awareness of her message could take her art the wrong way. When I asked her how her friends viewed Little Loca, she said they enjoyed it. Stevie said Little Loca was her homage to her chola friends.
From those times, I recognized Stevie’s strength and belief in her art. She faced the attacks, and criticisms but continued to provoke people’s perceptions, behaviors and beliefs, which is what good art does. Personally, Stevie was a gentle, sensitive soul. Artistically, Stevie was a weapon that disarmed and confounded people’s attitudes of how they believed the world was; she challenged prejudices and stereo types with humor, mocked bad behavior to expose the ugliness of it and found beauty in things that weren’t of her world. Her art was bold but her form was delicate. I know people may say I’m seeing more than there is but I say look at the reaction she provoked and the result she achieved. I say look for the layers of meaning in her message in her videos. I saw Stevie write daily notes in her notebook, study the history of people she wanted to emulate and work at her craft every thinking moment. She was an artist in motion and it was a challenge to keep up with her. At a point, we couldn’t keep up and Angel and I had to move out of the way even though we wanted to keep Stevie under our protection like a little sister.
After reading about Stevie’s passing I’ve gone through the stages of mourning, I was shocked, got angry, felt guilt and have struggled to find acceptance.
It was reported Stevie suffered from depression. While I worked with Stevie I knew she felt frustrated and down about her progress but she was a shooting star and the universe makes space for the brightest among us. I feel quilty for not checking on my friend. I was given hints to take action but I failed, and now, today, it’s about what I have to do.
Because I was given the opportunity to know Stevie, I feel the best I can do for her is to carry on her spirit, to apply the lessons she taught me, to appreciate the gifts she gave and remember her words…
”Toto, look like we ain’t in Kansas anymore
I’ve never looked at life with these eyes before
Can’t be afraid to think, change and explore
Worry about the insides and not the outer core
Don’t be a prisoner of the judgement war,
Set your mind free let the imagination soar.
Opportunity knocks, Loca answer’s the door,
Cuz my dreams and passions I can’t just ignore,
The feelings hardcore pumping through my veins,
Always wanting more giving myself a nervous strain
Cause so many ideas penetrate my brain.
Things come and go, and again they just came
Did what I had to do to stay up in the game
Just a little construction on the locamotion train
But my heart and soul are still the same
Forever in time this memory, cut it out, put it in a glass frame
And don’t your ever forget your homegirl’s name!
God always brings the sunshine after the rain.”
– Stevie Ryan aka., Little Loca
